I am broken. I am sad. I am heartbroken.
And I am giving up. It's a hard and difficult decision to make but I can't go on letting things go the way they are.
#1 is not home. I have no clue where she is. And at this point, I have no energy to divest into finding this out. I have tried what I can to bring her onto the path towards a healthy and safe future but she continues to defy it all.
Just one week from when #2 will arrive. I should be happy but I sit here with tears streaming down my face.
I want to be held and comforted but instead, I feel all alone in a world that seems to forget I am here.
The other half is in bed sleeping. Grumpy with me because disturbed them earlier to go and try to find #1 with me. He doesn't seem to understand the anguish and heartache that I am feeling. Instead, he focuses only on the anger he feels toward #1 for constantly disobeying.
In 2 weeks, #1's dad expects to meet her at the airport in OH but I cannot even bring myself to call him and tell him that I have no clue where she is.
I would call my mom or my sister about it but all they will do is look down on me for failing to keep #1 home and criticize my parenting skills.
I never claimed to be the best parent. Or even a great parent for that matter. And over and over again, I am shown just how bad of a parent I am when #2 is taken from my custody by a judge who only listens to twisted truths cooked up by the ex. And again when #1 runs away not once, not twice, but multiple times.
And when she's arrested for trespassing on a campus she doesn't attend. And when her grades are all F's and she shrugs and says, "School is boring, I'd rather cut class and talk to my friends."
And over and over inside my head, I hear, "You are nothing. You are nothing."
And so, I cave. I admit defeat. I am nothing. I am not a mother but failure. I have failed to nourish my children and they have left me.
And I am alone in a soundless chasm of heartache and despair.
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9 comments:
First of all, I love you. Second, I know you Feel alone but that emotion is an illusion. We will walk with you through this heartache. We are committed to you. Our Savior knows very well how it feels to be repeatedly disobeyed and betrayed. He suffered so that he could help you Right Now. Oh, how he loves you! Thirdly, the voices that are telling you that #1's poor choices are all your fault are just plain wrong! Has Heavenly Father done something wrong if I choose to sin? Does your hubby's mom need to repent if he makes a poor choice? It's clear that some folks are happy to kick you when you are down. It's wrong! Morally and logically , those voices are WRONG!
Fourth and finally, you can never pray too much. You will not be alone in your prayers. The Lord delights to help us when we turn to him, even when we don't feel like it. Use your agency to ask and it will turn on a light in this dark journey.
Amen, Froga-lee!
You are responsible for YOUR actions and choices, not those of the people you love. It sometimes hard for me to make that distinction as a mother... "if my child does something wrong, it's my fault" but as Froga-lee said, this is wrong! And these thoughts are not coming from a loving Heavenly Father! Our children have their agency, just as we do.
We love you and are here for you! God is there for you and loves you beyond measure...you are not alone!
Oh Dani! I'm so sorry! I don't know of anything I can do other than to reaffirm that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. In this family, it's pretty much a given that you can't be (even if you want to be). But even more than that, I know that the Lord there for you too.
Dani, I know the pain we feel for our children and what is happening in their lives is like no other pain. I think nothing heals that pain like love. The love of your family, friends and most of all the love of our Father. Know that He is truly able to carry us thru the pain and the lonliness. Love to you, Auntie Bboop
AMEN to all the previous comments! You are not alone, and you will get through this. Hold fast to our Savior and his Gospel. I know it hurts when you see the ones you love hurt themselves, and that you just want to dive in and fix it. But you can't. We can only pray that she will (hopefully sooner better than later) see the truth and turn to it. I love you!
...the most conscientious parents feel that they may have made some mistakes. One time, when I did a thoughtless thing, I remember my own mother exclaiming, “Where did I fail?”
James E. Faust
"Sometimes it isn’t easy as parents to teach our children. Sometimes we make mistakes. Our children may react with opposition to what we are teaching them. As parents, we should keep our desire to do our best, constantly show our love, and not blame ourselves if our children choose another way."
Ruth B. Wright, Primary general presidency
We should never let Satan fool us into thinking that all is lost. Let us take pride in the good and right things we have done; reject and cast out of our lives those things that are wrong; look to the Lord for forgiveness, strength, and comfort; and then move onward.
A successful parent is one who has loved, one who has sacrificed, and one who has cared for, taught, and ministered to the needs of a child. If you have done all of these and your child is still wayward or troublesome or worldly, it could well be that you are, nevertheless, a successful parent. Perhaps there are children who have come into the world that would challenge any set of parents under any set of circumstances. Likewise, perhaps there are others who would bless the lives of, and be a joy to, almost any father or mother.
My concern today is that there are parents who may be pronouncing harsh judgments upon themselves and may be allowing these feelings to destroy their lives, when in fact they have done their best and should continue in faith.
Howard W. Hunter, 1983 October conference, in the November Ensign, "Parents' Concern for Children"
All this article is fabulous, and just what I needed to be reading right now. Probably you, too.
We love you, and you'll always be one of those people I want to grow up to be like, no matter what your children may do or not do.
Anita
Anita,
Yes! This (these?) were especially helpful to me today. Thanks for taking time to send me some filling up! Can't wait to see you guys next month. I'm excited to see you and your bunch at reunion! d
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