Teeny Tiny Baby Steps

First, I want to say thank you to everyone for your comments and love and support both posted as replies to my recent blog entries and also voiced either in person or via the phone. Your love and support have been a real blessing.

Second, I took Paul to work this morning and then spent most of the next 2 hours on the phone trying to get things rolling with #1 and our current circumstances. I had a wee bit of time and felt ready to blog again to give you all an update of what I knew but it was not to be. I just could not get my blogger dashboard to allow me entrance here. I guess Heavenly Father knew that I would want to say more later and was helping me to only have to post once today ? *shrugs* What ever the reason, I wasn't able to make this post until just now.

I didn't sleep well again last night but not because I didn't try. I think I must have been feeling #1's angst and anxiety about the uncertainties that are our immediate future. And I know I was still feeling rough and having to force myself to stay home and not go rescue her. It was a long night. One I hope no one ever has to experience nor do I wish to live thru such a long night again because of a similar situation.

Frogg-a-Lee sent me an email after our phone talk last night that gave me much food for thought as I retired but I honestly couldn't focus on it for most of the night or today. Instead, I have been trying my best to put into place some family therapy and some individual therapy for #1 as well as line out where #1 will go home to. It's not been easy to determine these factors nor to get things rolling toward accomplishing them but I feel much more at peace that what is meant to be will be from this whole experience.

My eyes feel tired from all the tears I have shed and I know that there are many more that will be shed before I am thru. But, some of my tears have actually been those good, healthy HEALING tears instead of just tears of pain, hurt, and the unknown. In some ways, I feel renewed right now and I must say that I hadn't realized HOW much I missed this spiritual feeling that seems to have gradually settled over me today.

I did go down to VP and sign admission paperwork today. It was a very scary thing to do yet at the same time, I still feel reassured by a still quiet voice that what I am doing is the right path for #1 and I to take at this point in our relationship as mother and daughter. While I was there, I did ask for them to bring #1 in for me to see her and maybe talk to her some and they called for her and she came and looked as though she had been crying as much as I had been.

We spoke calmly for almost an hour with the case manager present. Our talk was interrupted twice by calls from first #1's dad and then from her stepmom who live in OH. #1 flat out told her father that she didn't want to go live with him because her boyfriend and our downstairs neighbors were not there and she didn't want to be apart from them. I am not sure what was really said by her step mom as #1's end of the conversation went mainly like this, "yeah. ok. uh huh." But I could tell by #1's posture that she wasn't liking what she was hearing too much. When I later spoke to M (the stepmom), she just told me that she had told #1 that they would gladly take her into their home if she needed that to get on the right track.

I am glad I called down before I went to fill out the paperwork because I was able to take some things like a change of clothes to #1 as well as a beloved cd that actually isn't in poor taste and her personal hygiene items like her contact case and solution, her two tooth brushes and her flouride as well as her glasses so she can see when her contacts are out. I did however forget her socks so she called later this after and requested that I bring those when I return with her medicine this evening.

We actually enjoyed a talk for almost an hour on the phone as well and she seemed to finally be listening to me when I said that I wasn't disapproving of this or that but that I was disappointed that she continued to let her peers influence her decisions of right and wrong behaviors. This may be doing what I hoped it would do.

Or, she is just snowing me and showing me what I want to see so that she can get out of there. She's been good at such behavior in the past so I can't be too sure. As her mom, I want to give her the benefit of the doubt and believe in her sincerety yet at the same time, that same candle has burnt me more than once in the past so it's a cautious approach to coming to any one decision about whether she is just putting on a show for my benefit or being real. Time will tell.

The case manager also had #1 fill out paperwork (some of it apparently copies of what I had filled out but from the teen's perspective instead of the parent's). It was hard to walk out and leave her there knowing that she is if not as miserable as I am currently that she is not with me at least ALMOST as miserable. Yet I was strong and I managed to make it home.

Went to lunch with P and then he took the car and he is currently getting #1's scrip filled at Costco Pharmacy for me so that we can go and visit with #1 a bit more this evening. I feel like things are going to be ok though there is much work to be done before we are 100% again. But we have started with those teeny tiny baby steps.

In just over a week, #1 will be sweet 16 and I just can't believe where time has gone. It will be a very busy day for us but I hope to be able to have some sweet time with her too that day.

Thank you to everyone for your prayers and your love. Your uplifting me is amazing. I have said not often enough how lucky I am to have married into your family. :)