Broken part 2

*sigh*

Life just never seems to get any better. :(

#1 was picked up by the police on her run-away at our down-stairs neighbors' house tonight.

I had told the police when they came by to take the report that she had run away this afternoon that I didn't want them to bring her home. WHY? Because I am hurt and I am angry! And I didn't feel that I could talk to #1 with civility after everything we have been thru these recent months.

This meant that the officers who picked up #1 had no choice but to take her down to Vantage Point (just up the road and attached to Wasatch Mental Health - this is a juvenile holding facility much like a glorified babysitter where adolescents ages 12 - 17 can be sent to give the parents and children a time out from each other.) I really REALLY feel like #1 and I need that break.

#1 however, having had a brief 3 hours stint there in mid-May when she was arrested for trespassing at PHS, didn't want to go down there. WHY? Because she had a taste of what it was like there for the children sent there and didn't want to go back.

Guess she never thought Mom would reach her limit and send her there anyway. Instead, #1 was begging to please be sent to B and D's house a mere 5 blocks away. I said "NO!" Not because I don't like B & D. I love them. I think they are awesome. However, #1 loves to be there and what I want for #1 right now is to really LEARN that when she chooses to run-away so she can go have fun and have "dates" which Mom has forbidden, that there are consequences that are NOT so pleasant in life. And maybe a few days of NOT fun down at Vantage Point will start to sink into her that I am doing this NOT because I hate her but because of how much I do indeed LOVE her.

Pleading with her via e-mail on her last run-away in November of last year didn't help to modify her behavior enough to stop it. Having to deal with the repercussions of those actions via the legal system didn't help things out either.

Instead, she started skipping school and letting her grades continue to sink to new lows. Truancy school in early May didn't phase her. She will admit to you that she is only going to school because I make her go. But that doesn't stop her from walking off campus or hiding in the bathroom during classes.

After truancy school, we set up measures to try to get her school life on track. She was to complete several online courses and independent study packets to catch up in school and then maintain her grades and attendance next year as well. Her reward would be having a cell phone on the account that P & I have. Guess she's not really interested in this at all.

Instead, school is out and the teenaged boy who resides w/ out downstairs neighbors decides to flirt with #1 once more. #1 doesn't LIKE him she claims, yet she does whatever she can to catch his eye.

So, #1 is down at Vantage Point right now. I'm not any happier now that I know she is there either. I want to run down there and snatch my baby into my arms and bring her home. Yet, I know this is not what she needs.

I called her father and step mother and let them know what was going on. They agreed that she should stay there tonight and until I can bring her home.

The guy in receiving down at Vantage Point called to let me know that they had received #1 and that she is held in receiving for up to 12 hours during which point I may go down and sign for her at any time. I let him know that I planned on leaving her there longer than the 12 hours.

And in the morning, I need to call the case manager down there and discuss the situation with her. And probably go down and fill out the paperwork for them to keep #1 for longer than 12 hours. And the guy told me that on account of this, we will probably be getting another investigation by DCFS to ensure that it is safe for #1 to come home again.

I am tired. I feel worn down. I have been dealing with DCFS investigations for forever it seems. First because of my ex 1500 miles away because he didn't want to pay child support. Four times that he or his mother tried this route on me while I still lived there. Only one time that I dealt with DCFS thru my own actions (or inactions rather) and that was when I first found out about my Bipolar issues after my grandmother passed away. I admit I was wrong then and that I worked thru things to get back on track. I still struggle with those core issues but I do work thru them. Then, #2's dad didn't want to have to send #2 here to visit me after he convinced the judge he should have custody. So he yet again sicced DCFS on my household claiming that P was abusing #1 physically. Not so and DCFS wrote up their report that it isn't so. Then earlier this year, yet again DCFS involvement this time because #1 and her activities when she ran away in November. Nothing really involved for me other than to make sure #1 was at certain interviews for the PPD and DCFS to determine if the young man she was with should be arrested for criminal behavior with a minor. This time, it will be because of tonight. I did scream at #1 that she was to go to Vantage Point and then I would be signing over papers for her to go to foster care. I know, dumb move on my part but I was at my breaking point. Not a good excuse I know. But #1 got herself kicked out of therapy just before we would have gotten family therapy started up for us (and there are issues for which we NEED family therapy) and killed that whole bag of tricks. She doesn't think she has any problems that need therapy treatment. I know as a family we need therapy. I worry though how this will all pan out. No, I don't honestly want to send my #1 into foster care, yet at the same time, I admit I am at a serious loss as to HOW to handle her. Nothing seems to be working. Not spending extra time with her, not giving her more freedom. Nothing.

And, I am also worried about how this will effect #2's trip out here. Will it cause her to NOT get to come after P & I have spent so much money to fly her here? I haven't seen her in 6 LONG months. I don't think I could live with things if this makes it so she cannot come to see me.

So, instead of being happy that I know where #1 is and that she is safe, I am sad and afraid again. It never ends. :(