Lately, I've been feeling like a failure.
This isn't a "depression" thing though. I've actually felt my emotional best in the past 6 to 9 months. That's saying quite a lot because for this time frame, I haven't been on any meds to help me stay that way.
Physically, life has given me lots of reasons to feel like a failure. Paul and I joined the gym thru his work and after only 2 weeks of going, I "dropped out" causing both him and Brittany to do so too. Not that I did it just because I wanted to. I really did enjoy going. And I fully intend to go again, just not until AFTER I get a thorough physical exam.
Why did I stop going? Edema! It seems since my cold last fall, I have had recurrent bouts of water retention for no known (to me at least) cause. And, it rears it's ugly head when I most want it to go away PERMANENTLY!
I could deal with it better I guess and still make it to the gym IF I could manage to wear any of the shoes I own w/out feeling like my feet are being sawed in half from loss of blood flow. No shoe fits anymore except for my fuzzy yellow house shoes and those just AREN'T appropriate footwear for working out.
Other areas that have me feeling a failure include reproduction. Almost 17 yrs ago, I didn't have to "try" for a pregnancy; it just came naturally, the way it was SUPPOSED to. But, after Brit came, my conception woes began. It took more effort to concieve Breezy but only when I was actually "trying". Once I gave up on the idea and didn't WANT to become pregnant, it happened.
Such is the story of my life.
Well, I finally started doing some things right in my life and felt sure that when Paul and I got married almost 2 yrs ago that the joys of reproduction would come easily. NoT! And with each passing month, I have felt more of a failure in this area.
And then raising a rebellious teenager has me feeling sometimes like I shouldn't even be thinking about bring MORE children into the world when I can't seem to possibly do anything right with the ones I already have.
Losing custody of Breezy was a blow to my motherhood as well. I was so blown away by that decision. And I couldn't see past the nose on my own face for all the hurt.
So, where am I going with all this? Isn't this post about counting one's blessings?
I'm getting there.
See, IF it weren't for the edema, I wouldn't see the blessings of not being pregnant right now. But the edema makes me VERY happy that life is not further complicated by reproduction. I have the opportunity to solve the problems that are causing the edema (once I track them down) before we procreate a new life.
Not having Breezy with me every day gives me an opportunity to focus on what is at the root of Brit's rebellion.
Not living with me gives Brianna a chance to see that the grass ISN'T greener on the other side of the fence. That it's the same grass with just a different way of being cut.
Not being pregnant means that Paul and I have had more of an opportunity to develop our marrital relationship without the added stresses of sleepless nights and teething etc. Not that raising a rebellious teenager has made bonding an absolute joy ALL the time but I do think that we have all grown as individuals thru all of the stresses we have been faced with.
I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for us. I don't know yet what all is included in HIS plan, but I have felt blessed lately that everything in my life has happened for a reason. There's been some really hard knocks but there have been some very sweet fruit from those falls. Brittany and Brianna are two of the sweetest blossoms in my life. My husband and the Gospel and having an eternity with my SOUL mate are more of those blessings I haven't taken the time to feel grateful for lately. My family - my natural family, my marrital family and the extensions to that family thru marriage - are all other joys I am truly thankful for.
I love that my SIL's and BIL's and MIL and FIL are all such wonderful, caring, and thoughtful individuals. I love that the Henrichsen cousins and aunts and uncles are such sweet and loving people and how they LOVE to spend time together and be involved in each other's (and OUR) lives. I love when I get an unexptected phone call in the middle of my blah day and it's one of my husband's sweet sisters who was just thinking about me or Brit or Paul or Breezy. It's so nice to be a part of such a network of love and harmony and happiness.
So, today's entry is about each of my "blessings" and how you have helped me to see the joys of my life and to turn in gratitude to Heavenly Father for how HE has blessed me.
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8 comments:
Dani, I really like this post. It's a good reminder to focus on the roses in life, not the thorns even though they sometimes come as a package deal. Thanks.
Dear Dani,
I am happy that you can count your blessings in spite of all the things (situations) that you wish you did not have. Please keep counting your blessings and moving forward with faith in Jesus Christ.
You will note that the Savior not only removes our sins and conquers death for us - but he also removes our sicknesses, infirmities, and pains (Alma 7:11-12). Our pains will only be with us for the "moment" of our lives. The Savior, as always, wants us to be happy, so he requires us to repent so that he can heal us (3Nephi 9:13). What a comfort it is to know this!
We love you and we are glad that you are in the family.
Love, Daddy-Alpha
This is a great post Dani! A wonderful reminder that the things that may give us the trouble and stress are also often the things that bring us the most joy/growth/strength.
I really needed this reminder right now!
Thanks!
Thank you for this post. I'm always awed by people who can remeber to count their blessings even when it'd be easier to count troubles. That's something that I have a hard time doing.
So keep on countin!
Sometimes it is difficult, or maybe a lot of times it is. Some trials that continue on for the rest of your life are the hardest to deal with, because they aren't generally recognized by others. We do need to put forth effort constantly to count our blessings. We can have a positive attitude eventhough it is so much easier to not have one. Jesus Christ has made that possible.
Dani, I am so happy for Paul to have such a sweet wife as you who appreciates him and your marriage. Hang in there. I am sorry I am not the kind to call during a blah day, but remember I am thinking of you and I put your name on the prayer roll often.
Dani, I love you and thank you for the post! The bitter does come with the sweet, and actually makes the sweet even sweeter! Just like Taffy's post about motherhood, the best things in life take A LOT of WORK!! I always try to double check myself in making sure that I'm aligning my plans with the Lord's and not trying to make the Lord's match my own.
In anything that anyone ever does, the successful ones are those who never give up!
I resisted getting a cell phone for the longest time because I didn't think it would be worth the money. I didn't realize how awesome it would be to have the idea to call and be able to do it right away! I love talking to you! I also love the way that gratitude for little things can bring sunshine on the cloudiest days or (for a more Arizona point of view) a bit of shade and a breeze during an afternoon scorcher. The best thing is that there are always bits and chunks and huge vistas to gladen the heart, but you won't notice them if you don't care to search.
Thanks for being there for Paul and Britt and Brianna every day. You help make our family work. There is no one better suited for taking care of P, B & B than you are. Perhaps there are ways for you to improve but your winning qualifications are your love, tenacity and wisdom. Look for ways to have courage and gratitude every day.
Good luck with the doctor. As "Bob" would say "Baby steps! Baby steps!" Maybe shoeless yoga is an avenue to investigate!
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