Well, I guess the title of this post implies that things aren't going well here but that is, in fact, just the opposite. Things are well here. So, why the title?
Well, we have this "neighbor" who is learning that life isn't so wonderful out on her own. She's a member of our ward. Her mother used to be my Visiting Teacher before she moved away to Orem. And I wish I could say that the problems she is having aren't of her own doing but I can't.
I also wish that she didn't feel it necessary to be over at our house all the time. I don't mind offering her a lending hand from time to time but her being over here at our house almost 24/7 is getting a bit tiring.
And what I feel is worse is the fact that she wants to cry on Brittany's shoulder about how miserable her life is and ask advice from a 15 yr old on what she should do.
Her situation isn't good but it's not going to get any better either until she makes some better choices.
She ran away last year in August down to Arizona. She wasn't quite 18 then. But, she felt like rules in her mom's house were boring and blah. And she didn't need them. She decided in December that maybe things weren't so bad at Mom's after all and finally called and asked her mom to send her money to come home. She turned 18 in February.
Her mom wanted her to finish her high school course work (she was enrolled in home school classes for the last 2 yrs) and either go to college or get a job. Preferrably college. Then, Mom decided that they were moving and moved them up to Orem.
I don't know the story behind why she moved out from Mom's again, but she decided to rent an apartment nearby (next to the park across the street). She also decided that her 25 yr old boyfriend was moving in with her and helping out with the bills. As far as I know, he has only stayed one night at "their" apartment. She paid her rent up thru May 1st when she moved in. She also got her gas connected but not the lights. She ran out of money before she could. Her boyfriend was supposed to pay to have the lights turned on. She still sits over at her apartment in the dark a month later. He didn't have the money because he had to make a car payment, then insurance payment, then his cell phone payment, etc etc. So she sits in the dark. She also has no furnishings and no cookware or other dining utensils etc.
The apartment complex they live in doesn't have hookups for washers and dryers. And when she left her mom's, she wasn't able to take all of her clothing (something about owing her mom some money that she claims to have paid back but Mom doesn't agree) so she lived in the same 3 outfits for about 2 weeks. She asked Brittany if she could do her laundry here (and Brit told her yes without checking with Paul and I not that we would have probably said no) so she came over last Thursday with her laundry hamper full. She started a load in the wash then borrowed some of Brit's clean clothes so she could wash what she was wearing. On Sunday, she finally came and retrieved the last of her laundry from our machines. She had them tied up from Thursday til then. And didn't even bother to use her own laundry supplies.
Without electricity, she has no tv, radio, or refrigeration. I'm assuming that she is either having her boyfriend take her to get food at fast food establishments or not eating at all unless she eats over here (which has almost become a daily thing too). And she needs to borrow the phone at least 5 times a day to call to check on her boyfriend to see if he is coming over (to the apartment he is supposed to be living in).
Yesterday, she had contact with her mother and came over all upset because of things her mother said. Today, she came over in tears because her boyfriend told her he didn't feel the same for her that she feels for him.
And she doesn't have a job of her own either. She had one when she moved in over there but I guess she lost it soon after for not showing up. Shameful employer actually expecting her to come to work everyday!
I pray for her daily and wonder how best to handle the situation. We can't afford to feed her every day and I don't think she is a good influence on Brittany either. I don't want to turn her out at the same time but I also don't want her to feel like if things continue to go from bad to worse for her that she can just come and live here either (which I think she is considering as an option if she can't pay her rent next month). It's NOT an option even if we didn't have a closed rental contract on who could and could not live here.
And, I think she would probably try to go live back at home if her mom would say, "R, come home." I know she is miserable there. And that she realizes that she has made alot of major mistakes in moving out of her mom's. I don't think it's pride keeping her from going home to her mom so much as it's wanting to know that MOM wants her and still loves her.
How do we convince our children of our unconditional love? And still teach them responsibility for their actions and choices? And in a way that they know we will accept them back in our homes when they need it? But also show them that they must work for their livelihood too? I'd like to offer this young woman some good advice about how to help herself.
I asked her if she was praying about the decisions she has to make etc and she told me that she hadn't been going to church. I grinned at her and explained that she didn't have to go to church to talk with Heavenly Father thru prayer. She's now too old to attend the young women's activities on Tuesday nights though I know that she has wistfully watched Brit go the last 3 weeks.
And as I watch her struggling to keep on surviving, I wonder if in a few years time, I will be watching one of my own thru this or if somehow, Brit's seeing how R is struggling will help her to want to make better choices for herself and try to avoid those same pitfalls? I pray that she sees just how hard it is on one's own when one isn't making the best of choices and decides to get that college degree first. Oh, how I hope. We shall see.
So, if any of you readers have any suggestions on how to handle the current situation with our neighbor and friend, I would appreciate some input. Cuz my brain is fogged and confussed. I want to help her but I don't want her to become my burden too. And right now, I think I am in danger of that happening. And I surely don't want to turn her out and tell her to tough it on her own that I can't help her. I'm going to ask her to come to church with us Sunday when she comes back tonight or tomorrow. I think that is probably the first step for her.
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4 comments:
Hey, there. Does your ward have any of the Enrichment groups meeting throughout the week? Let her know about them, and invite her to attend. Also are those apartments in your ward? If so, let you RS pres know about the situation. If not, still let your RS pres know, and have her pass the info to the right RS pres.
It is so hard to watch friends go through hard times, especially when some of the hardships could have been avoided.
Hang in there and if you need help (words, shoulder, etc.)give me a call!
Decide what limits are acceptable; You may come over for dinner ___ times a week. You may do you laundry on tuesday, don't forget your soap. Then the tough part - abide by them. This show that you are not trying to get rid of her, but set reasonable limits.
Discuss the choices she has made and the natural consequences that follow, with Brit. You may also want to include her in the discussion with Paul about what (and why) the limits are/ should be.
Thanks you two for some eggcellent advice! :) Brit and I have been talking about things along with Paul.
B: Yes, we do have the weekly RS activities going on. I will have to get the exact schedule for them from Karmel so I can do this. The apts are in our ward, my VT companion lives over there. I will definitely be giving Karmel a call tomorrow. Thanks for the shoulder etc... I appreciate it mucho!
Michael: Thanks for the call and for the suggestions here. We're gonna talk them over as a family and come up with our "reasonable limits". :) Gracias! Mucho Gracies para tu dos!
I really agree with Michael. If it's one thing I have learned about helping people, it's that you are helping no one if you go over your own "limits" or "boundaries" to help them. The better you take care of yourself, the better you can take care of others. So, like he said, decide what you can do to help (and when), let her know, and then stick with that. I had a similar dilemna with a neighbor boy hanging around at dinner time. I wanted to help, and I didn't want to be rude, but I was over extending myself to feed him. Now I say, "Aunah and Isaak need to eat dinner now, so you you need to go home now. You can play later." Best of all, I feel good. (and he is not starving)
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